Plans included regeneration of Ranger's spiritual home and brand the likes of which have never been seen before.
Included in the dossier are a litany of achievements that the tattie munchers in Breezeblock Towers could only dream of, including a new playing surface, LED advertising boards, new dugouts and the Pièce de résistance - a new uniform and Club tie including a replica straightjacket!
The former male model and spokesperson for the National Association of Sunbed and Tanning Yeomen (N.A.S.T.Y) said;
"Last year we identified the need to address the playing surface and other aspects of the stadium infrastructure, resulting in the commitment of capital expenditure for an interim overhaul. We have ensured that the items invested in are easily transportable should our long term development plans come to fruition."
What this now means is that the club will no longer be reliant on special dispensation from the SPL, the SFA and the KKK when the Ibrox side face a fixture backlog due to fixture relocation as a result of the state of the pitch. Reports that this includes a version of the Chelsea patented 'Playing Surface Destruction Sprinklers' are unconfirmed at this time.
Bain, who holds the position of Grand Moff in the Intergalactic Empire, further described the upheaval of Ibrox that will leave the rest of the SPL teams in its wake.
"Our next priority was to introduce a fully integrated stadium entertainment system. This will be phased in from the first SPL home game where our new state of the art LED perimeter advertising system and LED scoreboards will be unveiled.
"The perimeter advertising will run the complete length of the Copland, Broomloan and Govan stands. In September we will install LED jumbotrons, giving Ibrox one of the most ambitious media and entertainment systems in British football. We plan to introduce the system into the concourses thereafter. Even the dugouts, uniforms and Club ties are changing!"
Ha Ha. Ha Ha. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Yours in Celtic
Clydebuilt