Featuring the Oscar winning song, Follow Follow the Yellow Brick road
The Wizard: Gordon Smith of SFA (and im not talking football assoc)
Dorothy: Sally
The Scarecrow: Wally
Toto the talking dug: Kenny McDoughball
The Lion: Sir Minty Moonbeans
The Tin Man: Ted McMinn
The Wicked Witch of the East: Peter Lawell
The Wicked Witch of the West: The Big Yin
Munchkin leader: Gordon Strachan
Good Fairy: Tommy Burns
Transit Van man: Archie McPherson of Orange
It's the day after the first Celtic Rangers game of the season; Rangers have lost to Celtic at home. Celtic have taken the three enchanted points back to the Emerald City. Dorothy like the Gers had the day before is having a nightmare in her home in the top flat of 1690 Govan Road. Just above the Chippy, Alang a bit fae the bookies, no Ladbrokes, William Hill, the big wan that big Arthur goes into.
(Tossing and turning and talking in her sleep...)
Dorothy: Aw pure naw, aw pure mental naw, please, naw, aw naw, naw, naw, naw naw naw, please, please naw.
(Toto looks up from reading the beano)
Toto: What's up Dorothy? Dorothy whit's up? A canny concentrate on ma comic and am at a pure good bit. Go back to sleep. Ssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(Dorothy sits up rubs her red white and blue eyes and looks down at Toto.)
Dorothy: Oh Toto, whit are we going to do? What are we going to do?
Toto: How aboot going back to sleep and gien me piece to finish ma comic, av been fetching ******* sticks aw day and ma paws are sitting on a cushion of blisters.
Dorothy: Naw, a know, am sorry aboot that, but am talking aboot the result, the Munchkin leader and his team took the enchanted points back to the Emerald City and darkness has befallen the land of the Govanite.
Toto: Ah can read the papers Dot and ma torch has been on full beam for the last 24 hours you know! And remember a wiz there anaw, sure their big Doberman Bobo tried to shag me…….three times!
Dorothy: I know Darling Toto, are you still sore?
Toto: Let's just say I won't be going out on my bike for a while.
(Putting his paw to his forehead like a drama queen)
It's the mental trauma that will haunt me though, that will never fade unlike the bruising and swelling. I can still feel his hot Pedigree Chum breath on my neck now.
(Shivers and covers his face with his paws).
Dorothy: There's nothing else for it, we'll have to run away?
Toto: Way these paws! You'll have to drag me, but then again, with this arse? You'll need to carry me.
Dorothy: I will, Toto, I will, my sweet little Toto.
Toto: Can a bring ma comics and ma baw and ma bone and ma chewy boots?
Dorothy: Why of course Toto, bring it all.
Toto: Ok where are we gaun?
So the two terrified heroes trudge out of the house down the stairs, careful to step over the sleeping Buckfast Warriors. Out into the night they step, Toto wrapped in a Red hand of Ulster flag and over his shoulder a little stick and hanky cradling all his doggy things. The wind is howling and biting, they make their way along Paisley Road West, resisting the temptation to have a Kebab with extra salad and spicy sauce in the knowledge of the havoc it will reek with Toto's already tender chute. They walk for miles, so far in fact that they cannot hear the sound of the Sash coming from any windows. Both are very scared and decide to venture into some woods where they come across an old White Transit van. Inside they can hear snoring.
Dorothy: Oh Toto, Toto, do you think it's safe to see if we can ask to shelter from the rain?
Toto: What? Who? What? Where? Aaw, a wiz sleepin there Dot! What is it fur **** sake?
Dorothy: Do you think it's safe to ask to shelter in the Transit Van, I can hear snoring?
Toto: Is it a Doberman you can hear snoring?
Dorothy: No, it's a man.
Toto: Then lets go, but if Bobo is in there smother me before he gets a grip will you?
Dorothy: I promise.
(They tip toe up to the door and look through the window. They can see a ruffle of tangled wiry ginger hair. The man turns and his face is visible. Dorothy's heart leaps,)
Dorothy: Its Archie, its Archie, oh joy its Archie its Archie.
Toto: Oh for **** sake, here we go!
(Archie is clearly dreaming)
Archie: Woaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, what a goal by the mighty Rangers!!!! Yes! A triumph executed like a true Protestant! Eh? Wah? Eh? Who's that? Whose there? What do you want with me? Leave me alone I beg of you!
Dorothy: Archie, Archie it's me, me Dorothy and Toto. You remember Toto he bit your finger once?
Toto: Twice!
Archie; Dorothy is that you? Is that really you? Can I come back now, can I commentate again.
Dorothy: Maybe later Archie, then again maybe not. You see me and Toto have done a runner, after the Munchkin King took the enchanted points back to the Emerald city.
We have run away for good, will you help us?
Archie: But what about the Scarecrow and the Tin Man and the Lion? How can you leave them? After all they did for you? Remember it wasn't that long ago you were making an arse of yourself on TV with seriously sad patter?
Dorothy: I know, but what else can I do?
Toto: Archie, sorry to butt in at such an emotional exchange, but you wouldn't happen to have any Magnums in your fridge would you?
Archie: The fridge isn't working Toto, just like me!
(Archie falls sobbing to his bed, nobody moves to comfort him, so he gets up again
And blows his nose)
Toto: Jesus H, Archie.
Dorothy: shhh there now Toto, can't you see that Archie is down and out?
Archie: well I wouldn't put it quite like that but
Toto: lets face it Archie your fois gras days are behind you son. I bet you've no hob nobs either.
Archie: We'll I've not been shopping for a while……
Toto: What a loser.
Dorothy: Enough with the treats or lack of Toto please? Anyway
Archie what do you think we should do?
Archie: Go back Dorothy, go back now.
Toto: You saw the rain pal, are you mad as well as skint?
Archie: Ok stay here for now but you must return as soon as the rain stops, go back and gather your friends and go to see the Wizard of Oz.
Tot: Here we go, mer walking. You would think I didny exist!
Dorothy: Your right Archie, we will go back in the morning. If you didn't smell so bad I would hug you…well pat your shoulder at least, probably.
Everyone settled down to a restless sleep, well everyone bar Toto, whose chute began to itch in an intolerable fashion. Even scraping it along the floor only swerved to extract howls of agony from him. Bobo had a lot to answer for. Eventually the rains pitter patter on the tin roof of the van began to subside and relent. As if a switch were thrown silence descended and almost drowned out Archies snoring. Dorothy and Toto got up and on seeing and hearing Archie still sound asleep decided to leave him to it. Archie woke up in the van alone, cold and lonely.
Archie: Noooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. It was all a dream, it must have been a dream, I knew it was too good to be true. Im very sad now.
All at once a great sadness descended upon him like a blanket. Not since the 6.2 game had he felt so low. He moved to his cooker to make a cup of tea in despondency. As he took his last step he felt a strange squish and the ooze of putty like substance seep through his bare toes, after a second he could smell the boak inducing stench of dog shit. He was overjoyed.
Archie: They were here, they were here! I knew it, I do have a future, I can return. Sure it is old and it is beautiful………………….
Out on the darkened road Toto and /Dorothy struggled home, through the terrifying streets without the sash blaring out of windows, on until eventually the flutes could be heard. They reached Paisley RD West and the unmistakeable sound of fights; women screaming and the glorious smell of Kebabs made then feel safe again. This time they decided to have a Kebab, the temptation was too much. Poor Toto was to regret it for a very long time. Back in their room the next day the phone rang.
Dorothy: Hello! Hello! 1873 1690 can I help you brethren?
Scarecrow: Dorothy where the hell have you been? Av been particularly worried about you and Toto? I've called all the hospitals, before I remembered they were aw shut.
Dorothy: Oh scarecrow, sweet sweet.
Scarecrow: Get on with it Dorothy this is a premium rate line am using on ma mobile hen.
Dorothy: Sorry scare crow, we ran away. We felt we had too.
Toto: eff all to do with me, am a dug.
Dorothy: We met Archie McPherson of Orange, boy is he downwardly mobile! Anyway, he said we need to get all our pals and go and see the Wizard of Oz.
Scarecrow: I'll be right over.
The door bell rings two seconds later. Dorothy opens to find Scarecrow standing there.
Dorothy: That was quick.
Scarecrow: I stay across the landing.
Dorothy; Oh that's right.
Toto: You could'ny write this!!! Am away to sit on that lump of ice again. You two crack on!
So they do indeed crack on and in no time have decided to call all their pals and set off to see the Wizard. One after one they all arrived, first was the lion
.
Lion: Put em mup put em mup, put your fivers up, and ill put a tenner down. I'll fight you with one hand behind my back, I'll fight you hopping on the spot, I'll……
Scarecrow: Fine lion, fine son, come in come in. Sit doon, mind your tail.
Then Tin Man;
Tin Man: Ay up, av got funny English accent now, been down there so long, can't speak normal, same wiv all me kids and wife, it's like ******* Emerdale in't our owse! By gum lad that looks like a sore arse yev got on yerself.
Toto: Thanks for noticing Tin,
Tinman: Christ a can feel the heat of that swelling from way tover ere!
Dorothy: That will be the Kebab, extra jalapeños, I did warn him.
Toto: Yeah Yeah!
Scarecrow: Well that's us all. Im particularly interested in us all going to see this wizard **** and seeing what he can do for us. We all know the enchanted points have been taken back to the Emerald City and the Munchkin King and his team are not going to give them up easily. There is not a man here who wouldn't die for the cause.
Tin man: Well there is one.
Scarecrow: Yes there is one, but apart from him, there isn't a man here…….
Toto: Can we just ******* go, Im running out of ice.
So, the heroes ventured out into the night past the Buckfast heroes, past the Kebab shop, Toto turning his face. Again all along the road and they too hear the sash fading from their ears grasp. Deeper and deeper into a land they did not know or understand a land that held fear and demons and creepy crawly things that landed on your neck and made you go ARRRHHHH JEEEEZZUS AAAAAHHHWWWWWWHATTHTE ****WAS THATGETITAFFME GETITAFFME. And other stuff that wasn't very nice. But nobody said it was going to be easy.
Toto: are we there yet are we there yet?
